No matter which rotation you choose, you’ll probably hit America at the hottest point of the day. This is why Epcot has thoughtfully installed a large fountain for you to cool off in. A quick dip should put you in the perfect mood for your next beer, a Sam Adams or Budweiser.
[Sidenote: It’s bad enough that America is even included in the World Showcase - like somehow we’re not getting enough exposure to our own culture/food/alcohol? - but opting for a Bud Light represents the final nail in the coffin of gastronomical curiosity. Seriously, people. Step it up.]
After your beverage, you’ll be wondering how to continue in this patriotic vein. Unfortunately, America’s only attraction is an animatronic show featuring a plastic Benjamin Franklin who narrates a long and intensely boring history of the United States. This little civics lesson is called “the American Adventure.”
Adventure? Watching paint dry would be more exciting.
Mexico, Norway, and even underachieving Canada all have better attractions. We deserve a ride that causes every other country to bow down and hang their heads in shame. This is AMERICA, damn it. At the very least, something should blow up or be set on fire.
Until Epcot’s designers get their act together, it’s up to you to create your own American Adventure. Keep in mind, you’ve got half the world left to drink through. Put the fries down, and get your game face on. Make America proud.